Micheala Simmons
We Are Worthy
(Beyond What Our Teammates, Coaches, and College Athletics Will Ever Tell Us)
Back when I was in high school, I knew that playing college basketball at the highest level was exactly what I wanted to do. No, if, and, or buts about it, I had decided early on that this was the path for me. I was the first in my family to play sports in college, and I just assumed it wouldn’t be all that different from playing in high school. I didn’t have any honest conversations with college athletes about their own experiences, since I didn’t know any who I could reach out to and ask. So, the only advice I had to hold onto was definitely something I could’ve just googled: the most important aspect of college athlete life would be balancing school and sports. With just this surface-level guidance to shape my frame of reference, I set out for Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, to start my journey as a college athlete.
It didn’t take long at all for me to realize that there was a lot more to this than making sure I was writing due dates in my planner. If anything, that was the easy part. I walked on to my team, so I went through a tryout process that lasted a few weeks. Words can’t describe how good it felt to make the team and feel like I belonged. I thought that finally, somebody had recognized my talent for what it was and given me the chance I worked so hard for. A few weeks passed after that, a few months after that, and a few years after that, but something felt so wrong about it all. It still felt like one extended tryout.
Every day in practice, I found myself fighting to get the validation I wanted. There was so much pressure on me daily to be absolutely perfect, and the worst part was that a lot of this pressure was placed there by myself. If I miss this layup, the coaches will say I don’t belong here. If I turn the ball over, they’ll say adding me to the roster was a mistake. When I was in my first year, I wasn’t even allowed to be an active participant in practice. By the time I could practice, I was scared out of my mind. It was a steep learning curve, but when I had my feet under me, I started to excel. But even after proving myself again and again on the court, I wasn’t given an opportunity to even compete for playing time. Feeling I had done everything I could, be the first to practice and the last to leave, working out before and after games on game days, and being a leader and great teammate, the only conclusion I could come to was that just I wasn’t enough. I, Machaela Simmons, am just not enough. I must not be worth much.
I could blame this snowball effect on the coaches telling me I didn’t deserve a spot on the team or calling me “bottom of the barrel.” I could blame it on the entire year I spent as a glorified manager. I could blame it on a lot of things. Although these circumstances made it difficult and hurt me badly, what ultimately caused me the most pain was that I had placed my identity and my value in my status on the team. To put it plainly, I put my value in what I did instead of who I was.
I hadn’t yet understood that regardless of me being treated like I was worthless, I still had value. I was still whole, and I was still worthy. The truth is my status on that basketball team did not determine my worth as a human being. It was this realization and recognition of my self-worth that led to me making decisions that honored who I was. It gave me the courage to leave environments where my worth wasn’t being seen or valued, and it gave me the freedom to pursue what I feel like I deserve.
Since then, I’ve been able to apply these principles to my everyday life. I’m much happier now. I move through life with new confidence, one that isn’t determined by my status or success within my sport. Off the court, the courage gained through the process of learning to honor myself has allowed me to walk into any space with assurance and peace. On the court, my love for the game has gotten even more intense with nothing in the way of truly enjoying the game. Now I look forward to every practice, game, and individual workout because I know that regardless of what happens- no matter the circumstance- I am worthy and valued. It’s my hope that after reading about my experience, you’ll always know that you are also worthy and valued beyond your sport.
Machaela Simmons
IG: @macsauce3